To the ‘Man I Will Marry’,
You smell like freshly whipped coffee that I can turn into an amazing cappuccino, a perfect answer to all those boring questions I get asked by random aunties at every wedding I attend, and the best tenant for the ‘VIP section’ of my heart.
Yes, I write pretty sentences because I always have so much going on in my mind and heart, and I struggle to put it out without losing out on its essence. This is just one example of my ‘paradoxical simplicities’. Yes, I am complicated.
In fact, I can make things complicated at every party my heart is invited to by bringing along my feelings which get drunk with even the first shot of emotions.
No, don’t go by the analogy, I am a teetotaller who stays spaced out in life in a million boring ways. I feel any kind of actual or metaphorical ‘nasha’ is a bit extreme, like it does come at a cost one may not be able to incur. So, ‘pehla nasha, pehle khumaar’, is out of the question for me. I must be like the play-it-safe ‘sukoon mila’ kinds, you think!. Well, not really, ‘sukoon’ can be a little lazy and laid back and might not add enough life to things and relationships. I best like the ‘halka halka saroor’ – a little out of the way but also in balance, just like the drizzles I can’t end up appreciating enough.
I don’t feel at home amongst most people of my age around me. I have been called weird and ‘alag hi hai tu’ and I don’t think they mean it in the ‘out of the world’ sense. I have felt lonely in a room full of people, but I haven’t felt lonely alone too often. That’s the thing- I have become so fiercely independent, so aware of the knocks and corners of my soul, so unapologetically comfortable in myself, that I feel complete in the truest form. And I mention that to make it clear there is no way you can qualify as ‘my better half’, ‘my other half’, ‘the person who completes me’, ‘my world’ (keeping adding all those cheesy names and phrases that you have used and been called).
You sure can be a major part of my life (you clearly will be considering I have given this enough thought to pen all this down) but still, a part of it – how major a part can depend on your height and salary (Just kidding, obviously). Isn’t that how it’s supposed to be? I mean three different entities- my life, your life, and our life and ensuring they function well in places where they coincide and even the ones where they don’t. Coming back to the height and salary bit – How tall you measure in inches doesn’t matter as much as how tall you’d stand up for me, and to me. Sense of humour, though, is non-negotiable. Also, money matters and all, but according to me, nothing is more important than you being passionate about what you do and you willing to go to any lengths to work on it. I mean, I would rather have conversations on how you are struggling to raise funds for your venture rather than how much you hate your job!
I have always felt out of place when I express my views on both wedding and marriage- from not wanted to wear any gold on “my most important day” to not necessarily having kids- I have been told “jab waqt aaiga tab dekhenge”, not particularly remember they are talking to a woman who knows what she wants to have for dinner and is able to sense her pattern of defensive mechanisms.
I would prefer to marry you when I am at a place in my career where I am or can earn enough for the both of us and can gift you with the possibility of taking a break or altering your career without having to worry about the finances because “your wife is your responsibility” is something that the society has ingrained in you
My mom tells me nothing good happens to me in one go and you wouldn’t be an exception to this- I will have to go through my share of waiting and struggles. However, I am not even actively (or passively) looking for you. I believe if the world conspires to bring us together, it will, someday somehow. No, not being hopelessly romantic here. I wouldn’t necessarily want to meet you through love, as long as I get to meet love through you, someday somehow. So, that means you could be at the end of some loop of a shaadi.com‘s algorithm or some Seema aunty’s data. I hope you are there, but not right there for me as of now. I mean, I have some stuff to sort that’s already there before I incorporate you on my ‘to do’ list (pun intended, of course!).