Should You Hook Up With A Friend's Ex?
Between the Internet, and the same people always hanging out at the same places, the world is actually a pretty small place, and often, because of this, we end up in socially awkward situations. Like running into your ex while you’re on a date. Or, your current boss at yoga class. Or, that person you hooked up with like seven years ago, when you’re out for lunch date with your mom. Or, umm… hooking up with a friend’s ex.
Now, the last one is something that happens all too often. You may end up running into them while you’re out for drinks, or you may continue being friends with them after your friend calls it quits, or, maybe you spot them on a dating app and swipe right just for kicks, and now you’ve matched. It doesn’t really matter how you end up almost hooking up with a friend’s ex, but there are a few things to consider before you actually do it.
You may think that as two consenting adults, nothing else should matter. But, like it or not, in this situation, consent is a three-way street. There’s you, there’s the ex, and there’s the friend.
If you don’t want to jeopardise your friendship, your friend needs to be on board. No, we don’t mean that you have a ménage à trois with your friend’s approval as the baton that directs your adventures. We mean that they need to know what’s happening, and ideally, should be cool with it. You can, of course, go ahead and hook up with their ex even if they don’t consent, because, like we said, consenting adults and no one is being cheated on. But, know that in this situation, your sexcapades will likely cost you a friendship, and rightly so. Would it be worth it?
But, let’s not be pessimistic. Let’s assume your friend is cool with it. Even so, you should be mindful of how emotionally invested your friend was in this ex you’re not grinding loins with. If it was a casual hookup or a fling, then you can probably be candid with your friend about the ongoings. However, if your friend had feelings, then you want to be cautious when you speak about their ex and yourself. Especially if they felt wronged in their relationship. If your friendship is strong, you will, once the initial awkwardness of this situation passes, find a way to not let this dynamic impact what the two of you have. And if it isn’t strong enough, then either this will deepen your bond if you are honest about your desires and inhibitions, and at the same time, sensitive toward your friend’s feelings. Or, hooking up with their ex will diminish any chance of this friendship budding into a solid, and lifelong one. So, basically, it’s either your friendship or this hookup with their ex. You choose.
Unless… the three of you are mature enough to deal with this, and accept that you are all individuals with nothing against each other. And, if you can be honest about what’s going on, no matter where your rendezvous lies on the spectrum between a one-nighter, or possibly, a lifetime commitment. In the latter case, soon enough, everybody will move on and learn to be okay with it, if at the core of all the relationships between the three of you - as friends, as exes, as lovers - is pure love and care.
So, to answer the question, the only reason we see for you to not hook up with your friend’s ex is if they - the ex - were a complete jerk to your friend. In that case, it would make you stupid to want to hook up with them.