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5 "Selfish" Things That Make You A Better Lover

Love is supposed to be selfless, right? To be a good partner, we must always put their needs above our own, compromise to make them happy all the time, and give up on our personal ambitions and desires. This is what we are told makes us good lovers, especially as women. While yes, we must heed to our partner’s needs, and yes, no relationship survives without a healthy amount of compromise, there’s a lot, even in coupledom, that warrants selfishness if we are to be good lovers. You may be madly in love, but if you don’t have solid boundaries and don’t take care of your own needs, there’s bound to be trouble. 

Be selfish when it comes to your loved ones

healthy boundaries in relationships

Your partner is not the only person you love, and who loves you back, right? You have friends, family, and colleagues who care about you deeply, and are there for you when you need them. And vice-versa. Yes, between a serious relationship and work and life, it may sometimes become difficult to find the time for other people in your life. But, staying in touch is not that hard. A text or a call every now and then can keep these important relationships which enrich your life, and make you a more wholesome person, alive. Having multiple secure and fulfilling relationships makes us calmer and more confident, and in turn, better lovers. 

Be selfish about your work 

In our country, where many women are still fighting for their right to work, this may seem counterintuitive. Wouldn’t it be better for your relationship to just give up your personal ambitions, if that’s what makes your partner happy? If your partner is making enough money for the two of you, then why stir the pot? There’s nothing wrong with choosing to be a homemaker provided it’s actually a proactive choice, and it’s something you genuinely love and wish for. But, if there’s even a small part of you that wants to work, then be selfish about that part. Having a career is not about money alone. It’s about confidence, mobility and feeling like you are doing something of value. Again, if you are not confident and happy with your life, then this will manifest in your relationship, too. 

Be selfish in bed 

how to have an orgasm

Pleasure begets pleasure. If you focus on enjoying your time together in bed, of course, without ignoring your partner, you will cultivate a culture of pleasure and fun. That women, too, enjoy sex is a fact that only our generation has started to openly talk about and normalise. Take this movement forward by bringing fun into the mix. You don’t have sex only for the pleasure of your partner. It’s for you as well - and when you don’t get what you want, be vocal about it. Never ever fake an orgasm, and always tell your partner if you didn’t climax. That’s how you make sex better for everyone! 

Be selfish about your mental and physical health 



Your health is your responsibility. All of us love a date or few when we get drunk and binge eat. But, if it’s costing you your health, then maybe it’s time to step back. Similarly, if your partner’s expectations are emotionally draining, with little in return for you, it may be time to re-evaluate the situation. If you’re in sound shape both mentally and physically, you will be able to give more to the relationship, for the simple fact that you’ll be happier. 

Be selfish about your alone time 

self care and alone time

So, how does alone time make you a better lover? It tunes you out of the relationship, and back to your own self. It helps you stay centred, and reminds you of who you are, and what you truly desire. But, most importantly, as romanticised as it may be to be attached at the hip, it’s actually rather unhealthy to be with someone like that. It is human to need space, and in fact, some distance from people is a mark of healthy boundaries and a sense of security within yourself. Take some time off to catch up on your reading, or that movie you really wanted to watch. Go for a yoga class, or a swim, or even just a walk alone. Journal. Cook a meal. Paint. Have a glass of wine. Or a coffee. Think. Take a nap. Just be.  

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