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How To Ask For An Orgasm, And Not Just Sex

It was a routine day at work. I had been working for three hours straight, not counting the casual scrolling on my Instagram feed which, in my defence, was my dedicated attempt to stay awake.  After much hustle, I thought it was time to break some bread.

Heading out to the cafeteria, to get away from the laptop screen and close to some mandatory human interaction, I sat with my colleagues, and had what turned out to be a rather thought provoking conversation. It started with a girl from sales telling us about the recent date she had been on. I had been eating lunch with her for the past three days, and was already aware that this was the fourth time she was meeting the guy, and if things had gone well, there might have been some action. Which, as it turned out, there was.

Keen to know more, I asked her how it was.  What she said next was too familiar to be ignored. “Well, it was all great, we hit it off well. Had couple of drinks, and went dancing. One thing led to another and before we knew it, we were making out in the back seat of the cab, headed to his place.” Before I could smile at the narration of her sexcapade, she went on to say, “Except when it finally got down to the act, as usual, he came and I didn’t. And that was that.”

“So what did you do then?” I asked.

“What do you mean? I faked an orgasm, and left quicker than he came. You know, the usual. ”

 Female Orgasm

The fact that faking an orgasm has become equivalent to faking a smile is a bitter realisation. Chances are, that if you’re a woman, you may have been or are at least expected to be at the receiving end of this one crucial question by a guy, in your lifetime. The important, but often ill-informed, question - ‘Did you finish?’

Only if I got a penny for everytime a guy asked me that, or better yet, got an orgasm, life would be much happier. At least in the bedroom.

Studies have it on record that on an average, 95% of heterosexual men are likely to orgasm in comparison to the 65% of the heterosexual females. The orgasm gap that we see here is not always because of lack of effort from the guy, but often a lack of communication between the two parties involved.

We get it. It seems easy to blame the guy; to put the onus of the orgasm on the guy alone, and then be irked by his dreadful question. Who, for all we know, is probably only trying to communicate an intent of mutual pleasure between. Do you really want to go down that road of not saying what you feel, or faking an orgasm, when you know exactly how it will leave you – unsatisfied and unhappy?

For some women, hesitation takes over desire. This, because absurd assumptions around sex have been taken to be the unsaid norm, that:

  1.    Men don’t care for female pleasure beyond their own 5-second visit to the O-zone.
  2.    Somehow, men should already know if or how to make the woman orgasm and must never ask.
  3.    Men don’t enjoy the act of getting their girl to a fulfilling orgasm.
  4.    Talking about what is and what isn’t working out in bed is discernibly unsexy.
  5.    We MUST orgasm every time that we have sex.

Female orgasm

It is about time couples start viewing effective conversation and being vocal in bed as the means to what could be a satisfactory experience for both, or all, involved. Men, contrary to popular belief, often enjoy the thrill of delivering on their sexual encounters, and perhaps would be more than happy to make up for all those lost times. The feeling of sexual inadequacy that creeps alongside of performance pressure, is often a byproduct of overthinking, and under-communicating, in bed. Sex is supposed to be pleasurable, and a confluence of not just bodies, but also emotions.

So, spare yourself from subpar sex, and fake orgasms, and ask for what you would really want – an orgasm and not just sex. This is how:

Enough with the fake orgasms!

Next time you find yourself rummaging the sheets with sexual desire, don’t give in to the temptation of letting out moans you don’t mean. Hold on to that connect, that rhythm, and the faith that he would genuinely want to know if you’ve finished. There needs to be a change in the narrative from ‘did you cum’ to ‘are you close.’ Be communicative throughout the process. Tell him what you like, where you like it and how you like it. Tell him to hold on to that spot that is channeling waves through your body and talk more about what is stimulating that feeling in you. But most importantly, tell him when you’re about to come as opposed to after the act, when you didn’t.

Don’t be afraid to direct him

The saying, ‘you need to love yourself first, for others to be able to love you’ could not be more correct. Get to know your own body; masturbate to learn what excites you. Don’t shy away from knowing what you like, and how you like it best. And then, take the reins and direct his hands towards an ecstatic ending.


Female orgasm

Have an open and honest conversation (with yourself, and then, with your partner)

Let go of hesitation, and ask yourself, “Why am I so afraid to ask?” To ask for how you want to be caressed? To ask to slow down, or speed up? To ask for pleasure? What holds you back? And finally, what would you like? Take the bull by its horn, and be honest with yourself, and then, with your partner about how they need to address this sexual hiccup.

Focus on your own pleasure

Women are too often focused on pleasuring their partner, even at the cost of their own pleasure. We, too, are guilty of treating sex as over when he is done. It’s not done when he is done. Pay attention to your own needs, and steer him towards them, too. It doesn’t make you selfish, or slutty! It makes you human.

Image Source: Pexels

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