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Diary Of An Overthinker

Written by Vineeta S

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Date: 25th January, 2018
Time: 03.23 a.m.

I am lying in the comfortable bosom of my bed, not so comfortably. After twisting and turning for about a million times, I lay flat on my back and stare at the ceiling, imagining the 43rd possible outcome of a situation I’ve run in my head on repeat for more times than the actual one lasted for.

The constant need to figure out everything in life to the T, to be fully prepared for it (as if that’s ever possible!), to have an action plan for it... is honestly exhausting! But overthinking comes naturally to me now, like breathing. Every second spent existing, is every second spent imagining the what ifs. Perhaps this is true for everyone! But, it is in this struggle of ‘what ifs’ that we spend our lives missing out on ‘what is’!

 overthinking keepingzen 1

It’s not that I consciously think and re-think about something. It is that it has become a perpetual state of being, a way of living, and I just can’t seem to stop. Sometimes because I don’t want to, and other times because there is no switch I can turn off to avoid the thoughts in my brain. I do wish it were otherwise, though.

I have always believed that  it is okay to be an overthinker, that it’s just a part of being an anxious person. But the more I think about it, the more I realise that overthinking is not a byproduct of anxiety. t is the exact opposite. And that is not okay, not one bit.

I tell myself it’s a harmless little habit… all this overthinking, of course. But, it’s not. I’d rather accept that I can’t trust people, and expect the worst from them than opening myself up to the possibility of getting hurt. Because, this way I save myself from the hurt and the heartbreak. But how am I going to save myself from me?

overthinking keepingzen 2 

Overthinking is my defence mechanism, a way to avoid any curve balls life may throw my way. And how do I  even stop these constant voices in my head, especially if they start making so much sense after a point? I want to know and predict everything. Knowledge is power after all, or so they say.  

I wish I didn’t have to carry the weight of figuring out, and analyzing people, their words and their actions on my tiny little shoulders. I want peace of mind, to allow myself a good night’s sleep without boarding on a long train of unwanted thoughts, and accept whatever life throws at me. I’ll have plenty of time to think about it when it happens, but right now, I just want to breathe!

 

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